If I wur a magician, oid conjure and forth spew
wiv pride a pretty vixen who’d forever be blue

If I wur a rich mon, friends, oid already be djud
ver marrying just actions to the thorts in my yud

If I wur a sailor, wiv strong winds in my sails
oid sail to Antarctica to listen out for the hails

If I wur a statistician, oid get me some kicks
by proving most ‘remoaners’ arrived after 1066

If I wur a banker, yeah, oid hang meself high
strung up outta reach, as below me you’d dry

If I wur a lawyer oid, wiv a vork in my tongue
weave oss hair wiv fables; in my webs you’d be spun

If I wur a tax-dodger, oid campaign against me
so that all you’d hear of it, would be us on TV

If I wur a technician, or a Silicon Valleyist
oid pray to the Sun that her next flare dussnt miss

If I wur a scientist like all clergy I’d lie
cook the climate data, and get paid to comply

If I wur a statesman, I would have my blackbook
blackmail and backhanders would be all that it took

If I wur a change-agent, oid change agents real quick
before paper and labels like traitors assemble and stick

If I wur a spy-cop, then maybe Lush would pay I
to frack nightly your daughters, camp out and to pry

If I wur a demographer oid count on you for sure
but keep to myself – you’ve been stamped to the floor

If I wur a Freemason, oid buy me a fine Goat
set my square on his circle, cry Venus and gloat

If I wur a Rothschild – oid poke the prince best
masquerading together to the tune of our interest

If I wur any other Toad, sat there in my fine hall
oid not share with pondlife the gold of my Tabernacle

If I wur a pompous Pontius-Maximus, in drag or not
oid keep to my high-walls, throw bibles and plot.

… and if I wur the God Enki, Enlil or Nabu
oid despair with you halflings and go back to Nibiru.

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